Snow White and the Huntsman

Snow White and the Huntsman

4-Taking-a-break-from-being-boring

A reimagining of the Snow White fairy tale that is darker and leads to Snow White doing some battle herself. I saw this movie with Marci and Stacy. I got together with Amy and Sharon to discuss it and threw in Marci and Stacy’s thoughts on their behalf. We also really liked calling the characters by other names like Bella, Charlize and Thor so that’s going on in our review.

Side note: We did watch this movie when it came out, but I was really bad about posting this on time.

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Coni: Let’s start! In the beginning we see what is supposed to be the prettiest girl ever. Is it mean to think that the little girl they chose was just blah?

Sharon: I agree. They should have been able to find a truly beautiful little girl or at least photoshopped her.

Amy: I did miss the very beginning. I saw when she was still little and her dad married evil queen.

Sharon: Charlize Theron is stunning though.

Coni: Sounds like you missed maybe a minute or so.

Amy: Also agree. What I saw of the little girl was not impressive. I’ve seen much prettier little girls at Target.

Coni: Did you see the big battle and how they found Charlize?

Amy: I don’t think so. What was that about?

Coni: Oh so you did miss about 5-10 min.

Amy: Sadz 🙁 I needed popcorn though.

Sharon: Fake “raven” soldiers that looked like soldiers.

Coni: Started off with Snow White’s mom seeing a rose in the winter and thinking it was beautiful. Then it pricked her and three blood drops led to her saying the whole “Snow White” thing with skin as white as snow and hair as black as night, wishing she had that in a daughter. Then she did, and then got sick and died. Dad was in mourning when evil forces attacked. The ravens turned into the same shards of glass that were later on in the movie. They were a huge army of soldiers. It was actually a pretty cool scene. They destroyed them all since they did fall apart once they were hit. Then they thought they freed a prisoner, which was Charlize. It made Marci say, “Don’t fall for it! Sucker!” So, of course, he did.

Amy: Oh Marci, so smart. He should have listened. Okay, I can picture all that.

Coni: I agree that Charlize was the fairest of them all, even when Bella grew up. Charlize only looked bad when they made her old.

Amy: That was some amazing makeup! The special effects were good too.

Sharon: Charlize just always looked elegant except when she was old, of course.

Coni: I did laugh when they said “The lady was so beautiful that the king married her the next day.” Not wasting any time I see!

Amy: I saw that part! Then she stabbed him while they had sex. That was impressive.

Coni: I was thinking “Don’t you at least want to have sex first? Seriously!”

Amy: No falling asleep right after for her!

Coni: She barely kissed him and then stabbed him.

Sharon: I thought the same thing!

Coni: Maybe she is asexual.

Sharon: Sheesh sex first silly woman!

Amy: Priorities!

Coni: When she was talking to her mirror, I was confused since it was just a big gong.

Sharon: Maybe she only wanted sex with her brother. I got that impression.

Amy: For that scene I thought it was funny how she totally yelled, “GET OUT!”

Coni: I got that impression too but maybe she was put off by his haircut.

Amy: Like right after just saying it to the mirror carrying guys.

Coni: Oh yes, the second “GET OUT” was bit “drama llama!”

Amy: I was thinking, “Impatient much?”

Coni: Since they were getting out when she said it. It wasn’t like they were ignoring her or being slow.

Coni: For a while I thought something icky with the brother. Then I thought he was asexual, but then he was feeling up Bella (who I’ll just call that instead of Snow White for this review).

Amy: The brother was total Chester the molester.

Coni: He was very repulsive so I was glad she stabbed him with a nail.

Amy: He freaked me out a lot.

Sharon: He was like ghostly.

Amy: The milk bath thing was also freaky.

Sharon: And kind of greasy at the same time.

Coni: He was greasy!

Amy: And then people were drinking the used milk! So that was disturbing.

Coni: Stacy wanted to know what was up with the milk scene. When it took place Marci said “Now, she is the Queen of the Damned” since Marci loves that movie. When Stacy asked why it was even in the movie, I said it was in there so Marci could say that line.

Sharon: YeahI didn’t get the milk thing.

Coni: When Bella escaped and conveniently had leather pants on under her dress, I thought she was awfully overdressed for a prisoner. I also thought it was nice that they gave her a cot. She could have gotten nothing!  Maybe I have watched too much “Oz.”

Amy: That is when everyone was dirty and I hate that. Why does dirty = old time?

Coni: Lack of running water? When you have to carry it from a water source, you only use it when you really need it.

Amy: True, they had running milk so…

Coni: Haha. Did they really need anything else?

Amy: Wipes.

Sharon: Apparently not since the milk makes you young.

Amy: I thought it was funny when Thor cut her dress to a tunic. I was thinking, “Fashion makeover too? This guy does it all!”

Coni: Um, did Thor’s character have a name?

Amy: Huntsman?

Sharon: Huntsmen?

Coni: I remember them calling him Huntsman so I guess that’s it! Okay, so I’ll continue to call him Thor.

Sharon: He was not cute in the beginning. I kept thinking wash your damn hair.

Amy: The escaping in the sewer was yucky. I was suspicious of the birds because I thought the queen had all the bird powers.

Coni: Amy, did you cover your eyes the entire time she was running through the forest with the freaky trees?

Amy: OMG, I almost left the theater. I was thinking, “This is what all forests look like to me.” So now you know!

Coni: I figured.

Amy: All the mud in the town where they found huntsman was so yucky.

Coni: I did find the dark forest part very similar to The Princess Bride so I expected goofy things to pop out somewhere.

Amy: Agree. I was like ROUS! I’m always prepared to be scared of a forest.

Coni: She didn’t seem overly concerned by anything in the forest. Creepy brother guy seemed more freaked out. I guess that goes back to Bella’s lack of acting skills.

Sharon: She can’t keep her mouth closed. Did you notice that?

Amy: Liz and I decided that Bella’s acting is heavy breathing.

Coni: Stacy was doing her best impressions of Bella after the movie, which consisted of staring with her mouth open.

Sharon: haha

Amy: Awesome.

Sharon: At the same time that forest seemed pointless.

Coni: Yes, it was like a long scene of tripping and Thor found her in two seconds. No one can go in there! But then everyone goes in there.

Coni: They left the forest and found the scarred ladies.

Sharon: I also thought the “female” camp was pretty pointless too.

Coni: I did laugh when they were all running away since everything was on fire and Bella told Thor they had to help them. The ladies were like “No, it’s okay” and I was thinking “Get away from me. This is why we are on fire!”

Sharon: I only thought, “Why did they even go there?”

Coni: For someone to finally tell Thor who she was, even thought that still could have happened later.

Amy: Yeah that was a confusing situation. I thought, “Don’t braid your hair, take a bath!” Her dirty fingernails bugged me.

Coni: I was glad that her fingernails were dirty and not painted since she had been in prison for about 10 years.

Amy: Well agree not painted, but with all the water, nothing washes off?

Coni: They were so so so dirty.

Amy: Yuck.

Amy: Okay so then troll bridge. I totally called that one! I saw the bridge and I was thinking, “TROLL!”

Coni: OMG.  They were walking into the area and showing random things on the ground. Marci said, “There is going to be a troll!” Then Thor yelled “TROLL!”

Sharon: I said look she made a FRIEND!

Amy: I might have yelled too. Liz said, “Um, calm yourself.”

Coni: So funny. I rolled my eyes when the troll didn’t attack her. I guess they explained it later but I still rolled them.

Amy: I thought she was going to turn him into a pet.

Sharon: Use him to kill the queen or something. That was disappointing.

Coni: It was another random scene that didn’t add much. We learned the same information later, so it was unnecessary. The information about her bringing things to life and whatnot.

Sharon: Yup.

Coni: Was that part of the fairytale? I was thinking “When did Snow White become so damn important? I thought she was just some girl that made the queen jealous.”

Amy: I remember that the woodland creatures liked her.

Sharon: Then they found the dwarves right?

Coni: Yes, and Marci spent a few minutes trying to count them all. She said, “There are 7!” I said “No, there are 8!” Until later there were 7.

Sharon: They were good.  I liked them. Sadly they became 7.

Coni: Amy did you recognize cocksucker? One of them is the friend/buddy in Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.

Sharon: I thought a couple looked familiar.

Coni: I recognized a few other ones as character actors but not sure from where. The old man one was the main guy in Roger Rabbit.

Sharon: Haha. Get out of my brain!

Amy: I did recognize him! I was thinking, “Wait a minute!!!”

Coni: I recognize him right away but wasn’t sure if Marci or Stacy had ever seen “Deadwood.” Marci started to say, “Hey, is that..?” I said, “Yes, Deadwood!” Then we said “Cocksucker!” every time he was on screen.

Amy: Dwarves make me sad now because in Lord of the Rings they are all dying out. Then in this, they are dying out too and made to be thieves.

Sharon: haha

Coni: I wished there was more dwarf time.

Amy: They were funny.

Coni: In the forest, Marci said the fairies were going to give her nightmares. I didn’t like the masks at first, so I was glad when those went away.

Amy: The fairies were a little freaky and I was thinking they’d turn into the scary fairies from “True Blood.”

Coni: They probably would.

Sharon: What the hell was the point of going to the paradise?

Coni: I think that was where the dwarves lived and it became paradise with Bella being there.

Sharon: I thought it was dumb.

Amy: I did like the big reindeer or what nots.

Sharon: Again, just made no sense.

Coni: The white stag showed up.

Amy: I didn’t like his antlers being trees. Regular antlers would have been fine.

Sharon: She touched it and got it killed.

Amy: Oh, a stag then.

Coni: When I saw the stag, I said “It is her patronus! Where are Harry Potter’s parents?”

Amy: hahaha. I didn’t even think patronus but it totally was! I didn’t like her touching with dirty hands!

Coni: Yeah once again she touches something that it almost always dies.

Amy: I said, “OMG, not on the white fur!”

Coni: It did just turn into butterflies.

Amy: Allegedly butterflies.

Coni: Marci said “Well, I guess that’s convenient.”

Amy: Possibly tiny bits of soul.

Coni: hahaha

Coni: Oh, we haven’t talked about William. I found him boring and not hot enough.

Sharon: Oh yes William. He was cute but what did he have, like four lines?

Coni: I got a little bit excited when I thought he was evil but then it was the queen.

Sharon: I thought maybe he turned gay.

Coni: When?

Sharon: As he got older. You know, since he couldn’t have Bella.

Coni: That would have been a good twist.

Amy: I was thinking, “Why is this even in the story?” I thought he was evil too but then I was thinking, “Wait a minute, don’t take an apple!”

Coni: Fruit is a trick!

Amy: He did seem a little gay. Fruit is always a trick.

Sharon: Always.

Coni: Why did Bella keep waking up and wandering off to get into trouble? She did it twice. If I was Thor, I would have tied her down.

Amy: She is redonk.

Coni: Stay put!

Amy: I guess because she lived in a tower, she wasn’t educated or anything.

Coni: I guess the queen gave her good advice about leading since she used it after she was done being dead, but thank god she died since she finally got a bath!

Amy: Agreed, though that speech was kinda awkward. Also, stupid dress. If you think I’m dead, you’d better dress me better than that.

Coni: She had so many lines which took away from her staring acting, so she didn’t know how to handle it.

Sharon: Oh yes, but if I am “asleep” and can be woken with a “kiss” you damn well better kiss me with tongue if you are Thor.

Coni: LOL sharon

Amy: hahaha Sharbear, so funny.

Amy: Her fighting hair do was interesting, I still can’t decide if I liked it or not.

Coni: I didn’t really like it.

Sharon: It had weird braids.

Coni: So did Thor wake her up because he was hotter? It was back to the random triangle that made no sense.

Amy: He was her true love?

Sharon: EXACTLY

Coni: But, why exactly? They didn’t do anything with it in the movie.

Amy: Then what about this dead wife of his that apparently everyone knew and talked about?

Sharon: It was weird about him being her true love.

Amy: And then at the end he kinda just comes into view.

Sharon: I mean WTF he was annoyed by her and now they are in love?

Amy: Thor is my true love. I shall find him like in the movie since I’m all about astronomy now. Just sayin’ since I’m all about astronomy now.

Amy: Let’s talk battle first.

Coni: Yes, let’s talk battle before we get to nonsense love triangle.

Amy: The horses all running down the beach were awesome. Very inspiring!

Coni: I did laugh at the dwarves working fast and furious on raising the bridge while the horses were shown running in slow motion. I thought, don’t worry, you have time.

Amy: The dwarves were awesome. The fighting with the balls of fire and tar and everything was so hardcore. I kept thinking of people who really fought like that back in the day and how they stuff must hurt like a SOB.

Coni: When they were walking around after the gross sewer scene, Stacy said, “Oh, no one is going to notice them?” Then they hid behind the horse. I said, “Of course not, they are behind a horse!”

Sharon: The horse just had lots of feet 😀

Amy: Yeah that part was kinda bizarrely funny to lighten the mood?

Coni: I also found it odd that Bella put on plate of armor but no helmet. We might have missed her staring. She also rode her horse weirdly.

Sharon: She had to show off her hair do.

Coni: They shouldn’t have focused so much on her riding the horse if she was awkward at it. I did like that she sucked at attacking the queen.

Amy: The horse thing did drag on a bit. I bet it was expensive to film so they had to use it.

Coni: I liked that Charlize just tossed her around like “You suck!”

Amy: That part was pretty funny, like she thought she’d just hit the queen once.

Coni: Oh, I forgot to mention when the queen came back from being a bunch of birds, Stacy said, “It’s like the pink stuff in Poltergeist!”

Sharon: haha

Amy: Oh yeah that part was super gross. Liz was even grossed out.

Coni: I thought it was like a part in Hellraiser, but you probably haven’t seen that movie. When the queen ate the bird’s heart, Marci said “Is that the secret to staying young? Got it.”

Sharon: I just thought “EEWWW I’ll get old, thank you very much.

Coni: She said she had lived 20 lifetimes. That’s pretty damn old!

Coni: oooh! When Bella woke up from being dead Marci said, “I knew she was a vampire!” I said, “Watch out, she’s a zombie!” Then she walked really close to some guy and I said, “Brains! Nom nom nom.”

Sharon: haha. Double tap!

Coni: I felt sorry for the people sitting in front of us since we did talk a lot through this high quality film.

Amy: hahaha

Coni: Okay, so any more battle stuff or is it time to get back to nonsense triangle?

Amy: How exactly did she figure out how to kill the queen? That was not really clear to me.

Sharon: I got nothing for the battle stuff.

Coni: Was she the only one that could kill her? I didn’t get it either.

Sharon: Didn’t she somehow see the thing with the mirror or something?

Amy: I feel bad for old time knights who had to fight in such a sucky way. Hats off to them for being hardcore. A sucky way – hats off to them for being hardcore.

Coni: Did she see anything in the mirror?

Amy: Yeah it was something like only fairest blood can kill fairest blood or ??

Coni: I might have been too busy asking why they were staring at the gong again.

Sharon: Something like that.

Coni: That was still more believable than Thor being her true love after one day.

Amy: I YouTubed it.

Coni: Good use of technology by you!

Amy: Thank you.

Coni: I laughed when they made her queen at the end since she just looked like she was thinking, “I’m now super cool with a crown on my head.”

Amy: I would have wanted a better crown personally.

Sharon: If she is all bad-ass-snow-white why did Charlize kick her ass?

Amy: I didn’t feel like we needed more trees so I am not a fan of the royal branch.

Coni: Like you both said earlier, why was William there?

Sharon: To confuse us apparently.

Amy: Standing in the fire? Why?

Coni: They could have had Thor have his dead wife storyline and then have him finally feel something again after all this time. She would just be happy to be out of prison and no need for random other dude.

Amy: Then Snow White stabs her and she dies?

Coni: Yeah, random!

Amy: Did the knife have some of Snow White’s blood on it?

Coni: She did learn her one fight move.

Amy: True, good foreshadowing by Thor on that.

Coni: She paid attention.

Sharon: That is true.

Coni: I forgot to mention that Marci was disappointed that the random white horse she saw after breaking out of the castle was not a unicorn. Since if she was going to find a random white horse to help her, it should be a unicorn. And then she wanted some glittering to happen since it was Bella.

Amy: Agree! I totally thought it should be a unicorn.

Sharon: Only by fairest blood is it undone. Yes, Snow White had to kill her and took three drops.

Coni: So only her stabbing would actually work.

Coni: Ok, overall thoughts! What did you like? What didn’t you like?

Amy: Overall did not like the dirt, birds or trees. Did like dwarves and Thor.

Coni: Pros: Awesome special effects, Charlize Theron was pretty scary and excellent and Thor was pretty even while dirty.

Sharon: I thought it was slow, too many scenes didn’t make sense, Bella needs to learn to keep her mouth closed and Thor was only hot at the end. Charlize and the dwarves were the only redeeming qualities.

Amy: Yes, awesome special effects.

Coni: Cons: Bella’s acting, William was unnecessary, ridiculous story lines could have easily come from the fairytale but came from what they added in. Oh, and the dwarves! They were excellent. Overall, I liked bits and pieces, but as a whole the movie was pretty disappointing.

Sharon: I agree.

Amy: Same for me.

Coni: But it did make for awesome comments while watching it.

Amy: Lots of scary imagery for me to get over.

Coni: Yes, Stacy said we were going to have a counseling session about the trees. She said, “You are going to make Amy talk about it talk through it.”

Amy: hahaha

Amy: In a way I’m glad everyone saw it, so they understand how scary trees are.

Coni: hahaha

Coni: Okay, I think we have excellent stuff!

Amy: Yeah!

Sharon: Woot!

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