Haywire stars a real-life mixed martial artist that Steven Soderbergh saw fight and built a film around. Gina Carano is Mallory, a contracted black-ops type of agent hired out by the government to rescue someone but then ends up with the people coming after to kill her. She doesn’t know who to trust and must kick a lot of ass in the process. Amy and I went to see it for our Snazzle Review. Personally, I was excited since I love Ewan McGregor and recently became a fan of Michael Fassbender. I thought the combination of them and some good girl kicking butt action would make for a fine feature film. We discuss what we both thought about it and do discuss various plot points, so if you want to avoid spoilers, you will want to skip it.

Coni: I would like to start by saying that all the hot guys were just wasted in this movie.

Amy: Agree.

Coni: The only guy she slept with was the boring, bland one and then it wasn’t even a sex scene. Waste!

Amy: Also, thinking about having sex with him while you watch him die – somewhat rude

Coni: Yes, very rude! There was the back story of her being with Ewan McGregor’s character, Kenneth, but there wasn’t a flashback showing them together. They didn’t have any chemistry to show that they even liked or hated one another. It was just indifference. Then there was the perfect opportunity to sleep with the other agent, Paul, when they were pretending to be a married power couple before they started their mission, but no! Very sad.

Amy: Many opportunities were lost! I think Kenneth should have been smoother.

Coni: Yes, I think Ewan’s character Kenneth could have been more slimy. I did find the fight scenes pretty cool, but was trying to figure out what was missing from the movie. I finally figured it out. She can’t act. She had one facial expression the entire movie.

Amy: In some spots it seemed like she was so nervous that she was like frozen. The fighting was very interesting and I felt that I should use some fight moves.

Coni: When she was fighting Paul, he had more facial expressions than she did. The random kid she stole the car from had more emotions than her.

Amy: Also, what was up with telling the story, which was very complicated to her car jacking victim? I did not understand that point

Coni: I have no idea! I was wondering the same thing. I thought she would just steal the car. Why take him along? He also seemed very calmed about the entire thing.  “Oh, you are taking my car. Yes, I will bandage your arm. I will remember your story, for reasons unknown since we won’t ever see me again after we part ways.”

Amy: I was thinking, it is not like the people who took the trouble to set you up are going to say, “OMG that car jacking victim knows our secrets, we shall just lock ourselves in jail!”

Coni: I have read that she’s a mixed martial arts person in real life, which explains why it looked like she was doing a lot of the fight scenes herself, and probably why some of the moves were pretty cool, and also why she can’t act. I really thought the movie would have been better if they had a different lead actress. I spent the last 1/4 of the movie trying to figure out who would be better. If it was back during the time Alias was on television, I would have said put Jennifer Gardner in the role.

Amy: I had read the same thing, that someone had seen her fighting and got the idea for the movie, but I think they needed to get an acting coach and probably a more understandable plot.

Coni: It also made me want to watch the first episode of Alias again. That pilot episode was an awesome kick ass spy/action episode. But I decided they wanted someone younger, so I think Eliza Dusku would have been good in the role. She would have kicked ass, made a smart ass comment and slept with the guys. She would also have more than one look on her face.

Amy: Yes, she knows how to do all that and be amusing!

Coni: Also, I didn’t fully believe that Michael Douglas’ character was good or bad.

Amy: He did a good job with his character because it kept you guessing! The dad’s house in new mexico was awesome.

Coni: Yes, that was a cool looking house. Except that she showed up and said, “Hi dad, going to destroy your house…after I hide in your walls for a bit”

Amy: Well probably he felt with his fancy book money he’d have enough to fix it.

Coni: Yes, probably.

Amy: Her face paint in the last section was very fancy.

Coni: It was. It creeped me out a bit.

Amy: I was more creeped out by the cornrows.

Coni: Antonio Banderas has not aged well. When he had his full on beard, it was like a sleazy old man.

Amy: He looked better at the end without his beard, but he could have left his shirt on.

Coni: Oh, he should have been the one she had a relationship with. He had sleaze angle covered. Even though it was nice seeing Ewan, he wasn’t good in the role. He still seemed like super nice guy, even though he was supposed to be a jerk face. Maybe they could have cast James Spader in that role. He knows how to be sleazy.

Amy: True, he would have been good in that role.

Coni: I also thought the ending was not going to be the ending. I felt the movie just stopped.

Amy: In a way I was wondering if there would be a sequel, like Ewan’s character some how doesn’t drown? Then I thought, well this probably isn’t going to make enough money to make a sequel.

Coni: It did seem to end like the end of a television episode with more coming than the end of the movie. When the credits started, I was thinking “What? Is that it? Was he the big bad guy? Is Michael Douglas really good? Why did the car jacker guy even exist?”

Amy: A lot of unanswered questions! Did she go work for Michael Douglas? Did her dad write a book about it?

Coni: Let’s say yes to both of those. I went in thinking it was going to be a fluff action film with some hot guys and hoped for some random sex mixed in there. What I ended up getting was some good fights, but a boring lead actress, lack of sex with hot guys and random unanswered questions! Also, didn’t she say she would answer the working for the government question when she brought Ewan into him and then didn’t? Was that the answer? Or did they just forget?

Amy: Or does she like to leave people guessing? I felt like they overreached on the plot.

Coni: Yes, we really didn’t need to be asking those questions.

Amy: I think they didn’t want to be all stereotypical and make it like Middle Eastern terrorist bad guys, so they tried to make some plot of like a journalist that you think you’re saving, but really you’re killing so that you can then be killed? At least that is kinda what I gathered, but that might not be at all what was supposed to be going on.

Coni: I think that’s what was going on. Antonio wanted the journalist dead but not to be blamed for it so he was looking for a scapegoat. I guess Kenneth was hurt by her, even though he didn’t seem to be so he says “I have the scapegoat for you!”  Then Kenneth hires Paul to kill her and frame her for the killing. All of that was convoluted but I could go with it. It was all the other random questions that I don’t know why they were there.

Amy: Also, missed opportunity to have a cute snow hare in the woods and mean to have the car hit a deer!

Coni: When the accident happened with the deer and the car, I had a Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle moment, which is probably not what they were going for.

Amy: I have not seen that film so I did not pick up on that. I just had a sad moment because random deer violence is sad.

Coni: It happens a lot in random comedy road movies. Random animal ends up in the back seat of the car and everyone screams and pulls off. This one no one screamed and they ran into a tree. I don’t get why they didn’t have one of the cop cars do something that caused her to run into the tree. Why did it have to be a deer? Because she is so awesome, she knows how all humans think….but not how deers think…. maybe that was the message

Amy: Also, the driving in the snow stressed me out. On the plus side, she did have some good outfits and I felt her hair and makeup were done well.

Coni: Yes, I liked her hair and makeup until she chopped it super short. Then it was just meh. So what else did you think about it?

Amy: Over, I would not really recommend unless you wanted to see her fight with movie makeup on. Otherwise, just watch the fighting show on TV.

Coni: Agreed! It had potential, but it was wasted. It should have been cast differently.

Amy: I’m kinda surprised with the cast that they had that those actors were not thinking, “Um this is not going well.”

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